Two Hamburgers

In 6th grade, I was that typical awkward “bigger” kid in school. And when I say “bigger” I don’t necessary mean larger in weight - although that does apply. I mean I was like 6 inches taller, 50 pounds heavier and two helmet sizes bigger. I'm talking "why is that 10th grade man-child with those 6th graders" big. Take that image and then put all of the feels and emotion and inability to really say what you mean or know what the world was doing to you. Not to mention 6th grade was the sixth school and the sixth city for me, my mom was recently married again and we were living in a new house in a town where I knew no one. 

{Now, take a hard pause with me and don’t feel bad for me. I am a 35-year-old adult who has spent the last 8 years working on myself and getting healthier every year. I am ok. But if there is a chord in you that is struck by my narrative then go ahead - let yourself feel all of it. It’s called the Holy Spirit. Back to the story.}

I was watching Nickelodeon on a normal Saturday at our house and my mom was preparing to cook lunch. She yelled from the kitchen to me asking, “Rocky, are you hungry?”. I responded with a very normal 6th grade “sure” and I am almost positive my voice cracked. Then my mom asked another question that for some reason sent me into a very crazy - downward spiral. She said, “Would you like one or two?” Now, I know that at first glance that is not a crazy question. I mean I was 11 and ate all of the time. Mom very innocently was just asking if I wanted one or two hamburgers to make sure that I was satisfied. But I heard something very different this time. And spoiler alert, it wasn’t the voice of God or truth.

I heard:

  • I am needy and have to be asked what I want.

  • I am not worth knowing and you don’t know what I need.

  • I am fat and you think I need two because I am fat.

  • I am only lovable when I need something.

  • You don’t actually care about me.

Yes, you are right to feel that my thoughts seemed extreme and completely out of left field. As if these thoughts came out of nowhere. And still, it was a very real feeling to me. Those were very real thoughts, and if I am honest some of the same ones that haunt me now. It is weird isn’t it? How we can look back and think that something was so silly and meaningless. Then when we really dive in, I mean when we are willing to dig into it, we see ourselves so much more clearly. 

I don’t know what the messages were that you heard as a kid. I don’t know the messages that were told to you point blank and the ones that you inferred how I did above. I do know that over the last 35 years of my life there have been many of those messages - both told point blank and inferred. I know that it has taken and still takes a great amount of effort to sort through those messages and land on the truth. The truth of what Christ really says about me. But every single time that effort has been so worth it for me.

I believe many you out there have the same type of “truths” rolling around in your heart and mind all day (and when I say “truths” I mean things that we believe are true even if they are lies). Listen men, love yourself enough to do the work and fight the lies. Fight the things we tell ourselves - that we know in our hearts - are not true. You are more than the culmination of things you have been told about yourself. You are wildly unique and extraordinary. It’s time to own it. So ask yourself.

What lies do you believe?

Where do you need to find freedom?

What is a truth it is time for you to own?

Rocky Garza